Problem solving is a skill. You can teach it to your child.

Everyting is figureoutable – Marie Forleo.
You can figure it out! Just start taking action, take a grab at it and see where it leads you!

The shuttle cock is stuck on the tree while your child is playing a game of badminton in your house compound with a couple of his friends. What does he do? Rushes to call the watchman to bring it down?  Runs to get a pole to shake the branches?  Opens a new box of shuttle cocks? And if he does that, does he leave the shuttle up after he finishes the game? You can assume that your child can think of all of the above and some more. Or can he? Does he figure it out? Does he talk to his team mates to sort it out?  Does he come running to you for help in the first instance or after exhausting all options? What is your reaction? Which one of the following is the closest to your response:

• Go figure it out; Stop playing badminton, play something else; I told you not to play in the yard; Take out another shuttle cock; Let’s see how we can get it down; Don’t bother me now I have other things to attend to, go study.

Flash back to baby days. The toy rolls under the sofa. What did you do?  Rushed in and pushed the sofa aside and get the toy out? found a stick to nudge it from underneath the space? Quickly fetched another toy? Sat down with your toddler and wonder together what is to be done at that point in time and why which option is best in the given circumstances?

We all understand that managing our own emotions and role modelling our actions-reactions to situations is one of the fundamentals of teaching skills and attitudes to our children.

“The problem isn’t a problem, the problem is your attitude to the problem” Captain Jack Sparrow.

How do you approach a problem yourself?

• Do you anticipate a problem? if you do that how do you mitigate the negative impact?
• When a problem erupts suddenly – what is your response to it? Fear, anger, denial, acceptance, seeking assistance? Using it as a practice ground?
• When sometimes you react in ways that you regret, do you apologize to your kids because you are still learning and parents make mistakes too?

What is the lens with which you perceive something as a problem?

• Your child behaves in a way that clash with your beliefs.

Example: Your child can’t finish the food served to him/or he has served himself.

• Your child’s behaviour may evoke a childhood memory and response.

Example: Your child not performing academically at a level you expect him/her to and you feel as if you failed as a parent. This could be because only when you got a good grade, your parents found you worthy of attention.

• Your child’s behaviour may evoke a traumatic state or event.

Example: If you broke your nose playing soccer as a kid and you are scared every time your child ties up his cleats.

During a stressful parenting moment, when you may “lose control”” and let your amygdala hijack your logic, i.e. when your emotions control your reactions, you possibly stop thinking about how your child is perceiving you and your reactions. This can be very scary to kids. You are at that point in time, modelling to your child: this is how it is an expected and accepted reaction to stress.

How do you teach a skill on which you yourself are yet to get mastery over? Well, one way is to learn it together.

Here is an effective 5 step strategy for you to try out.

1. Whose problem is it? Understand that entity.

Is it one person’s problem? If yes, then who is that person. If it is a group like a family or friends’ problem, then understand the dynamics of it. If it is your own problem, then reflect on it. The problem and the one who has it form an inseparable dynamic. That is why one solution can’t fit all even if the problem is seemingly similar. It may be a localised problem like a broken toy or an out there problem like poverty and illiteracy. The solution will need to emerge based on the one who is affected. Poverty in America, Africa, India need different solutions. “Broken toy” problem of a 6-year-old child with many other toys, of a 6-year-old child with special needs, of a 6-year-old child who has suffered a loss recently will all need to be addressed completely differently.

2. What is the problem? Define it.

The problem is the sum of something actual and somethings perceived. For e.g. A child going to a new school after a change of city was excited at first but is anxious now. What is the real issue? What is the perceived one? The child can’t locate the class room/rest room/lunch room? The child is uncomfortable in the new uniform? new environment? No-buddy for play time? Or the child is feeling lost and lonely. What could you do to understand the issues? What can you do to help your child help himself to find his way through? For this situation will get repeated when the child moves into another school, another college, another job, another relationship.

3. What if? Brainstorm the possible solutions and consequences of each.

Could there be different ways to approach the problems? Simulation computer games like Simcity, Mindstorm, Robot kit, board games like Chess, Lego kits, puzzles of various kinds build those skills at all ages to try and approach a situation in multiple ways.

4. Check it out.

Try out the most plausible solution or eliminate the obvious improbable/unacceptable solutions. Pilot it, share and take feedback, iterate, tinker. Try again. Fall again, fail better.

5. Go for it.

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

T. S. Eliot.

Nivedita Mukerjee is a journalist, educator and parent. She writes about matters that concern a child’s success and well-being. She can be reached at https://about.me/niveditamukerjee