You want to change your child’s behaviour?Here are 5 things you need to know.

Where do you think your parenting responses lie when it comes to behaviour of your child on the spectrum of – Achievement based (western approach) to Pressure based (Eastern approach)? While one is more focused on the goal, the other focusses on the way to achieve the goal. Think of it, are they mutually exclusive when it comes to behaviour? Somewhere on the spectrum perhaps lies the sweet spot of balance that all of us as parents wish to achieve every time we want to address our child’s behaviour. As most matters of parenting, our response reflects our personal values and beliefs.

Here are 5 key things you need to know when you adjust the slider on that spectrum of your personal parenting approach.

1. Behaviour is driven by emotions

Open ended surveys of adolescent children and their parents for qualitative analyses have often shown significant differences between what children think their parent’s expectations of their academic and co-curricular goals are and what actually their parents self-reported expectations are. Children have always rated the expectations much higher and as a result felt much more pressured leading to a range of behaviour, from rebelling to depression.

Younger children express it quite similarly. They throw tantrum or ignore your instructions.

2. Parenting based on “carrot and stick” does not work

Fear based parenting or reward based parenting works immediately. Fails long term. Parenting is a marathon and not a sprint and thus what works only short term is not a good strategy to adopt. Should you reward when your child shows kindness? Do you reprimand when your child is lying? What would you have liked when you showed such virtue or vice? How was it when you were kind last time? Was the satisfaction it’s own reward? And why did you lie last time – what did you feel about yourself – what situation made you lie – under what situation you would have not lied? You may want to ask these to yourself and then work it out with your child similarly. You will develop your own unique recipe that will work perfectly to suit your personal parenting style.

3. Check your definition of mis-behaviour

Much of what we define as mis-behaviour is actually normal and needs to be understood over the growing years of the child. A toddler child will not share his/her toy with another child and is a sensory-motor scientist touching-licking-pulling –spilling – squishing  things. A 5-6 year old will play away from parent and have more elaborate discussion of emotions and group rules just as a teenager will turn to their peers for suggestion instead of adults.

4. Positive affirmations lead to positive behaviour

Rosenthal and Jacobson’s work on Expectancy Effects demonstrate the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. In their study, students believed to be on the verge of great academic success performed in accordance with these expectations; students not labelled this way did not. Later research and my personal experience as an educator over the years has supported Rosenthal’s original conclusion – that teacher expectations can have a substantial effect on students’ scholastic performance. This works similarly on parental expectations from their children’s behaviour as well. Appreciating the behaviour that is in accordance to your family/personal values, reinforces. Reprimanding an action that you do not want to become a behaviour sometimes brings it to more focus than deserved. Ignoring or calmly mentioning might just be enough. Positive words lead to positive behaviour.

5. All behaviours can’t be changed

And that’s okay. If it’s not life threatening and completely amoral, you may want to move on to what you would like your child to do instead of listing what you would not.

The paradox of child-raising is that you truly can raise your child essentially for free, although it will cost you your life. A young parent recently asked me how I felt as a parent as our son is all grown up and independent. I feel great I said, and will continue to be a parent. Parenting? That’s a verb. The action keeps changing with your own and your child’s age and needs.

What is your personal parenting dilemma on behaviour of your child? Sound off below.