Nivedita Mukerjee
Education consultancy for parents and schools
Have you lost a friendship? Have you kept some? It’s the friendship month – let’s talk.
Making friends, keeping friends, giving up friendships – A life-skill for us to understand and share with our children and students. Dost dost naa rahaa, pyaar pyaar naa rahaa…(friend did not remain a friend, love, did not remain as love…) released in 1970, sung by Mukesh and written by Shailendra was a great hit at the time and went on to win several awards. I remember listening to this song on a valve radio that we had at home and later during my college days playing it from spool tapes for listeners of AIR – Vividh Bharati, as a radio announcer (no concept of RJ then) . I caught up recently with a class mate of mine. She shared about her pain from the loss of a long term friendship of hers for reasons she could not comprehend and this song sprung to my mind instantly. I have had similar experiences a few times over the last almost fifty years of my life. I have made some lifelong friendships and kept them. Some I have lost for reasons not clearly known to me.
This song from the movie Sangam a Raj Kapoor – Rajendra Kapoor – Vaijayantimala starrer explores why friends do not stay friends forever and love changes its hues with time. Everything is subject to change as that is the nature of our existence. We are moving through not only time and space but also through realities created by our own decisions that we constantly need to make. Jo zindagi ke rah mein, baney thae mere hamsafar, woh mere dost tum hee thae, tum hee toh thae…(who was my guide in the path of life and became my fellow traveler, that friend was you, was it not?)
I could understand the pain of my friend of losing a friend, having gone through it myself. In my quest for rationale, I had turned to reading small bits of writings in philosophy – Indian, Chinese, Buddhist, Greek from various ages. In his ethical masterpiece, The Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle examines quite extensively on the virtue of friendship. It is a fairly easy read with simple sentences and ideas, making a number of well-reasoned value judgments. His insights have become everyday sayings like “Man is by nature a social animal”.
Who are your 5 closest friends? A question to ask yourself, your children/students. I did that for myself and also as an educator with my students of varying ages. Think of the people you can talk to about anything, the ones you have known for some years, the ones you can always call even if you have not been in touch on an everyday basis. In today’s age of social media – with Facebook friends and What’s app groups existing alongside and overlapping, most of us have more than 150 connections – the supposed maximum number of the meaningful social relationships you can have according to Dunbar’s suggested cognitive limit (Robin Dunbar, British anthropologist, who in 1990s found a correlation between primate brain size and average social group size).
Aristotle describes friendship as reciprocated goodwill. According to him, It is the source of that goodwill which differentiates the three kinds of friendships you can have:
- Friendships of utility: between you and someone who is useful to you. Your carpool buddy, your child’s class parent, your homework/project collaborating friends, your shopping buddy, the guy who helps you with your presentations/technology, your neighbor who watches over your child/dog/parent, or for that matter – I like your face book post you like mine – and in all of these situations, you do something in exchange in some form to keep this going as you scratch my back, I scratch yours – friendship.
- Friendships of pleasure: these are between you and person/people whose company you enjoy and can overlap with the kinds mentioned above. These people you like for their qualities of wit, beauty, intelligence – for some activity like your tennis/golf buddy/gym partner, chit-chatting or sharing a joke, having a coffee or a drink together or spending time in a book club or music circle. This kind of friendship exists as we like some aspects of the other. It is different from friendship of utility as that one exists mainly because that person can help us in some way or the other. This one is not purely utilitarian but adds value to your social life.
- Friendships of the good: this one is based on mutual respect and admiration thus taking the longest time to build. These are enduring friendships. They last when you have similar values. When we have similar visions (not views necessarily) of how the world should be. These friendships typically begin during our school and college days and sometimes during our working adult lives.
Over the years, we accumulate many “friends”. While it is good to have the maximum energy and emotion devoted to the third kind – Friendship of the good, mostly the beginnings of these are in the first two kinds of friendship – you are thrown in together because of certain circumstance (of utility), you come closer over time with some (of pleasure), you nurture them over the years (of good).
So when you lose a friendship, a very painful experience – give it a thought. What category was the friendship actually in? if it falls in the first two, tell yourself – it’s okay. This is also a life-lesson for our children and students especially the adolescents and young adults; to recognise the nature of the lost friendship and agonize over the loss accordingly! This would keep them (and us) balanced in our emotions when we have to decide to preserve a friendship and when we can let go of a friendship. Friendships of pleasure and usefulness are easily dissolved when the other person is no longer pleasant or useful. This is a good point to reflect upon – you have lost a friend because either you/him-her are no longer useful or pleasant in context to each other. All the while keeping in mind that all relationships are subject to change!
What do you think? What categories do your friendships fall into? Can you try for increasing/pruning a certain kind of friendship over the other? Did you know that younger people have more friendship of pleasure and older people of utility? An interesting human insight there.
Note to self, I think I have plenty from category 1, quite enough of 3, however, I think I need to loosen myself and get some more of 2 🙂 Perhaps join that yoga class in the evening or a weekend hobby class of gardening…
“It is a good thing, to have many friends. No one would choose to live without friends even if he possessed all other goods” – Aristotle.
I agree. And I also advocate that – “Har ek friend zaroori hota hai” – (Each (type of) friend is necessary). Go on, make some more and make some of those deeper, freinds with whom you can sing along one of the most loved songs on friendship from one of Bollywood’s iconic movies , Sholay – “Yeh dosti, hum naheen todengey, todengey, dum magar, tera saath na chhodenge…(even after I depart from this life, we shall not part with this friendship, ).
Share with me your friendship types. Your wins and woes. Happy friendship month!
Nivedita Mukerjee 
Hello Ma’am,
I totally agree with you Maam. Friends are very important for our journey of life. Friends are the one who adds value, happyness, strength and guide us where we are and helps us to reflect who we are.
This is what I have to say ‘Hai yaar sun yaari, mujhe zindagise bhi pyari hai’.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are very right Ma’am. Infact at this age I feel quality and not quantity holds more meaning. Fake relationship no longer interests me. Rather the friend with whom I can converse any time on whatever that comes to my mind, the 3am friend who is always at your side, scolds you, loves you, unflinchingly is always on your side, is the friend that I want to hang on to, for a lifetime.
LikeLike
In this totally “connected” world we need to identify our “connection” and “disconnection” to lead a happy life..Trying to find mine, in the processing gaining some and loosing some. Thanks for your invaluable thoughts Ms.Niv. Always thought provoking and comforting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nice to go through the article. While reading, it’s like going through our own memory lane..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Never realised before that there could indeed be categories of friendship. Interesting to note that one actually needs all kids to have a balanced friendship. Need to work on category one to achieve my balance ! Thought provoking and interesting as usual Nivedita.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Loved it!! Definitely does put things in perspective. Things come, things go… Maybe only a few get to remain with you 😊 but that’s not bad either!!
Next time, when my middle graders are dismayed by their lose of friends, let me talk to them about these 3 categories and see what they truly mean to one another. One more life lesson learnt- thanks!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Nivedita
Loved reading this. Have been thinking on similar lines, of the importance of friendship and its changing dynamics…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Ma’am,
There is a category of friendship which bonds deeper than all relations put together , that one friend who will always be in your team no matter how bad we are at that game , someone who will stand by us even in trying times and a secret keeper , a confidante . No words can sum up such a friendship and I am fortunate to have found that friend , I take this opportunity to thank Ruchi for tolerating me and I thank you for posting this beautiful thought on friendship.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have had some friends for more than 40 years , some for 35 years and we’re still together- we’ve know each other through our early to late teenage years and right up to our graduation and been through our youth and all the promise it held and the pain of growing into young woman and finding our spouses and settling down ! I can count these 5 people as my oldest friends though we were scattered across 4 continents for most of our married lives ! We were never in touch every day and sometimes even every year but when we meet or reconnect it’s as though we pick up from where we left off ! The angst of varied expectations from each other as friends, are far behind us , because none of us are the same. But what ties us in together is we fundamentally had similar values and a sense of optimism and embraced our lives with a sense of quiet purpose and adventure ! All of us have had to endure some personal challenges, but we’ve somehow seen ourselves through it and emerged stronger and more resilient and more accepting of life’s ups and downs! But most of all we’ve seemed to stayed “ young at heart” and continue to think we’ve remained the same over these years !
As you rightly observed Nivedita, , some friend come and go for reasons we cannot begin to understand , some stay etched in your head and mind and stay the course of a lifetime even though you’re not doing anything to keep in “ alive and updated” and it’s suffered some neglect over the years !
These friendships have defined our attitude, shaped our ideals and ideas , kept our feet on the ground yet let our minds take the flight of fancy , pursue our passions , in fact allowed us to just “ be” who we want to be !
Then there are some friends that have even squashed our “ egos “ , told us some home- truths about ourselves that we didn’t quiet like or were prepared to hear yet they picked up our spirits when nothing else did and rendered unconditional love and support through our darkest hours ! It’s fantastic and I can’t imagine a life without friends , old , new or current! Finding good friends and keeping them is a almost a spiritual journey , it’s akin to seeking the truth ! You transcend your limitations, surrender your judgement and simply be your authentic self , sans the social makeup!
Dedicated to all friends !
LikeLiked by 2 people
Beautifully said ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello ma’am, Friends the word itself brings a smile on my face.. I love this meaning song singer Kk has sang on friends… yaaro dosti badhi hasmi hai ……but as its rightly said in today world friends are with and for benefits….. I am fortunate that’s I have friends through ages … and v r the same till today …. but today’s generation kids don’t know the real meaning…. thank you for the wonderful piece of writing so as a educator would facilitate my kids to choose kids with value and not friends with benefits…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I now feel less guilty for shedding some friendships (type 1). I have always struggled with ‘classifying’ friendships, but you have given us a well articulated argument on how we have to make a difference between the different textures of friendships. ‘Friendships’ that drain you, that stretch you are the ones that I struggled with. But over time I have treasured the ones that ‘test’ you and move you away from your comfort zones as they have wisdom and learning in them, and need to be nurtured. I can now say with conviction, that what I am today is thanks to my friendships!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ms Niv .. yet another brilliant post !!Such a lovely homecoming! Reading your thoughts on friends and friendships ! Its hard to comprehend how our lives would be without friends .
Losing a friend is painful .I have experienced the brutality of that loss . Its almost like a bereavement. Its sad that some of the most important lessons in life are learnt through sadness and loss . As you mentioned everything in life is transient . Change is inevitable and as we evolve we outgrow certain relationships and some friends who were very close to us at one point are no longer so .
Different kinds of friends ..close circle to acquaintances… we forge a bond that cannot be denied . I made my list of 5 of my closest friends . It was not hard . But what surprised me was that spouse featured on the list ! I thought about it and heres why ? When we got married there was not much common ground so I guess being friends was easier . And in the last 40 years plus friendship had time to bloom and grow , nurtured by mutual respect for who we are !
I like your note to self . Reminded of Mark Twain’s quote …Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover !
Ah yes .. join that yoga class , take a flying lesson or register for a gardening workshop . You never know whom you may meet and how magically they may impact your life !
Love the song दोस्त दोस्त ना रहा … ! Trivia : Flash back : My grandfather used to help while Maa got us ready for school . He warmed up our milk and made toast for us which we would chop on while waiting in the garden for our school bus . One day we heard him humming …Toast ,Toast ना रहा …. From the smell .. guess it must have gotten burnt 🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent!
From: niveditamukerjee
Reply-To: niveditamukerjee
Date: Saturday, 25 August 2018 at 5:49 PM
To: Chitra Ramachandran
Subject: [New post] Have you lost a friendship? Have you kept some? What kinds are they? What category did your friendship belong to? it’s the friendship month – let’s talk.
nivedita mukerjee posted: “Making friends, keeping friends, giving up friendships – A life-skill for us to understand and share with our children and students. Dost dost naa rahaa, pyaar pyaar naa rahaa…(friend did not remain a friend, love, did not remain as love…) released in 19”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Friendship, a great moment invested. Every moment a learning experience. And whoa! I have all categories mentioned here. Every bit I enjoy!
LikeLiked by 1 person