The 3 Aces of parenting for you to keep up your sleeve

The jury on parenting is always out. Whenever you think you have mastered the art and science of parenting, a new theory, a new paradigm, a new style is propounded with research, case studies and analytics to back it. However, over the years as a parent and as an educator, here are the three aces for you to ensure a win whatever hand you are dealt with in that ever enchanting game of parenting.

1. Stop Comparison

This tops the list. I believe in the quote that comparison is the thief of joy! Parenting is such a long drawn out game that it needs to be joyful for both you and your child. Comparison is worse than criticism, which is plain bad. It just debases the child instead of helping him/her improve which would have been your objective while comparing, isn’t it? It could be comparison with siblings, extended family, neighbors, classmates directly as look s/he is better than you or how come s/he can and you can’t or obliquely as if they are able to you should as well be able to.

Comparing your child to others leads to:

1. Self-doubt and low self esteem
2. Envy and negativity towards the one/s compared with
3. Fragile parent-child relationship
4. Nervous child and jittery, indecisive, diffident adult

The world is an oyster for the 21^st century child. Appreciating effort, words of encouragement, support when struggling and coping, noticing the strengths, setting mutually agreed expectations from young age and under all circumstances, unconditional love is what you need to make an essential part of your communication with the child, not comparison. Your child needs to know that you have his/her back.

2. Create a whitespace

Margins on note books, indentations for new paragraphs, rests in music, negative space in design, transition time between two classroom periods… These are whitespaces. This element of design is critical to bring out the content and help us focus. Similarly, whitespace is also critical for parenting. It is important for you to have a whitespace of your own. For your child to have a white space of his/her own and also for both of you to have a whitespace together. This is the unscheduled time. For you to be on your own. For your child to be on his/her own and for both of you to be together without agenda. This sparks new interests when on one’s own and similarly triggers interesting conversations when you are with your child/ren. Whitespace allows children to learn to think about things. They are not a waste of time, unproductive time or for that matter time to get into trouble. This is the time when no friend, no internet, no author, interrupts their own voice telling them what to think. Similarly, when it is just you and your child/ren, with no agenda of coaching, instructing, asking or answering, conversations happen. That’s when you make the connection with your child as an independent human being. Not thinking of how to mould, shape, motivate – but just to relate.

Here are some tips for creating whitespace:

1. Take a break from social media – go for a walk together or sit with a beverage in your foyer, yard or balcony with no device to distract.
2. Schedule time when you have no schedule – for yourself, for your child, for both you and your child. If anything comes up at that time, keep it in the parking lot or the it can wait section.
3. Create intentional quiet – for a short time perhaps early morning before you buzz off to work and your child sets off to school or before bed time or during bath time even (make the bath time longer on certain days to just be in the tub/pool together). It makes for a very soothing, emotional, calm time for just being together and sharing the moment with your child of varying ages.

3. Question everything

This is my personal favourite. Ask why and not what. Question even when you have no answers as it leaves the possibilities open for various kinds of perspectives. Not clear black and white answers. What is the right thing to do at this point in time? replace it with Why is it the right thing to do at this point in time – and you get yourself/your child to do deeper thinking. What is the best way to achieve this goal? replace it with Why is it the best way to achieve this goal? – get what I mean? Just responding to a thought in your own mind or to what your spouse, your extended family, your neighbour, your child’s class teacher – as –  can you please share with me why do you think so – will elicit answers that may not be what your assumption is. Same with your child. If the child can answer because… and so that…therefore… it is metacognition. It is critical thinking. It is problem solving while making thinking visible. It is a 21^st century skill!

So, when I asked myself as to Why do I think these 3 are the Aces, my top 3?  Perhaps because I think they are not about any one particular parenting style or a formula. They are about Parenting Values, thus timeless and borderless.

Shared as pictures are my mother with my son and my mother with me, crossing generations. 

Why do you think this matters?

Please Share with your thoughts here for all of us to read and question J