Having a difficult conversation with your growing child ? Stop! First practice to differentiate between your thoughts and feelings.

Hey, we need to talk!

Think of a conversation you had with your child/student in the last couple of days that did not have the tone that you wish you/the child had had. It did not end in the result that you had in mind. Got it? Great. Now let us discuss the first and foremost step that you need to practice before you start a difficult conversation.

We all do difficult conversations with children on an almost weekly basis if not every day, whether with our own child, our neighbour’s  child, a child in our extended family or with our student if we are an educator. We do it because we care. We care of the impact of their actions on themselves. We care for their emotions. We care because we think we should do it so that they are pre-warned and prepared for what is in store or how will some action of theirs will have a short/long term negative impact on them.

However, more often than not, it ends up as a bit of a preach, a random advice or worse – nagging, that either irritates or frustrates them, driving them away from the discussion. How can we avoid it? Is it the content of our conversation or the form?

Oftentimes, we express our opinion on the child’s action by way of – a feeling and/or a thought. While making a difficult conversation, it is important that we differentiate between the two and articulate our thoughts accordingly in order to have a meaningful, productive and empathetic conversation.

Differentiate between thoughts and feelings

We have feelings as a result of thought. Both play a significant role in how we respond to people and situations and are extremely difficult to separate. The distinction between thoughts and feelings is an essential skill in cognitive behavioural therapy. Thus, it is one of the most difficult tasks I am asking you to consider when you are planning to have a difficult conversation with your child. That is also the reason why it is so important.

We often create feelings based on how we are viewing the situation. Situation might not change, but our perspective can. Many times we use “I feel” interchangeably with “I think”. Feelings, for eg. are – Anger, Fear, Happiness, Sadness, Surprise, Disgust, Trust, Anticipation, Boredom, Joy, Ecstasy, Grief, Rage, Vigilant, Terror, Admiration, Amazement and some more shades of these.

Thinking on the other hand, often follows how you feel. For eg.

• I feel surprised when my child does not pick up after her/him self because I think s/he is lazy.
• I feel sad when my child does not pick up after her/him self because I think s/he is lazy.
• I feel angry when my child does not pick up after her/him self because I think s/he is lazy.
• I feel upset when my child does not pick up after her/him self because I think s/he is lazy.

When we notice or write down the thought plus feeling more accurately, we can quite clearly understand that our emotions are not dictated by our thoughts. You can experience a different feeling on the same thought on different days/situations and your spouse or any other care provider of your child can feel differently on the same thought as well.

What goes wrong with I feel? When actually you could be saying I think? A thought would need to be a statement about a fact, a reality. As such, one should be able to prove or disprove it. By using “I feel” in place of “I think”, we may be trying to short-circuit such examination perhaps even unconsciously. A feeling is internal. It does not/should not depend on external factors. Thus, it does not offer any opportunity for external examination or establishing evidence of.

There can be many reasons why you may not want your thought – “my child is lazy” to be examined :

• You want it to be true (e.g. You also want to be lazy.)
• You fear being wrong. (e.g.you think you are not able to set firm boundaries and establish routines)
• You don’t care about its veracity, only about your feeling as you know the child is selectively lazy and you have feelings about the matters s/he is selectively lazy/proactive about.
• You want to manipulate your child into doing the chores and not discuss the need of doing it.

When you are feeling an emotion that you may not like, evaluating the thoughts that are making you feel like it can be helpful.

You may want to step back and think:

• You are feeling “surprised/sad/angry/upset”
• Your thought of your child being lazy is a sign of your style of parenting
• Your thought that s/he is lazy on matters that you think are important and s/he does not.
• Your thought of your child being lazy is because you fear it will keep her/him from being successful in life

Once you analyse the original thought around your feeling, you may be able to better articulate and discuss with your child on the matter of – not picking after her/himself. So perhaps, instead of saying – I think you are lazy, try using any of your top 2/3 feelings like:

• I feel surprised that you…
• I feel so sad when I see…
• I feel angry when I…
• I feel upset when you …

Once you have done this, the rest is simple. Understand your own “filter” and thus your own reactions. Empathise first. Respond then. React never.  Schedule a difficult conversation with a time limit.

Watch this space for  more tips on making a difficult conversation with your child/student more productive. Subscribe to my blog so that whenever there is a new post, you get to know it. It is not more than a two or three times in a month.

Share your disappointments and successes with a difficult conversation. How could it have been different? Did you use your thoughts or feelings to guide you through it?