Nivedita Mukerjee

Take a couple of minutes to answer these 15 questions about your child:

1.Is s/he spending more time than usual on phone?

2. Is s/he regularly falling behind in his/her homework?

3.Is s/he often oversleeping or taking extra time in the bed after waking up on most days?

4.Is s/he taking a lot of breaks between tasks/chores?

5. Does s/he tries to bluff most of the time when s/he does not have the right answer or takes credit of someone else’s work?

6.Is s/he neglecting personal hygiene?

7.Has s/he eaten a full meal lying down?

8.Has s/he laid on a couch for more than 12 hours without getting up?

9.Has s/he texted you/sibling in the other room for getting something instead of going and getting it her/himself?

10.Slept with contact lenses because s/he was too lazy to get them out?

11.Lived out of laundry bag/heap of laundered clothes instead of folding them and keeping them away?

12.Does not make the bed/change sheets for weeks on end?

13.Takes lift to go to even one floor?

14.Eats directly from the container – like ice-cream, pea-nut butter, Nutella?

15. Spilled food and pretended not to notice until someone cleans up?

When you ponder upon your answers, do you now think if your child is lazy or habitual procrastinator or depressed or incompetent or entitled?

Since I am talking about laziness here, a much often dished out character judgment, here are some probable causes for why the child does not do what is expected of him/her.

1. Fear of failure : postponing actions towards goals they think are too difficult or far for them as they doubt their own capabilities. They fear that if they try and do not succeed, their incompetence will show.
2. Seeking attention : sometimes children need support and guidance to do tasks/chores they are not confident about or do not know/understand well. However they also do not know how to ask for help. Sometimes they have the capability but they just want attention and seek nurture and care without knowing how to ask for it. For example  the child actually wants to hang out with you, instead, s/he will not finish the homework so that you would sit alongside, have a discussion, be there and work on it together. It could be even for chores as simple as making the bed – together.
3. Passive – Aggressive communication :  The children depend on adults for their nurture and as such they worry that too direct an expression of their irritation or confrontation on one aspect will have consequences on some other aspect. Sometimes, children avoid conflict and  bury their dissatisfied feelings. They are likely to communicate these frustrations indirectly through “laziness,”.  Procrastinating in a way that will upset the parent. We assume that the child has just gotten “lazy.” But that explanation avoided the bigger issue of the child feeling of lack of fulfilment, as well as his/her out-of-awareness wish to make the parent feel as neglected as s/he felt.
4. Relaxation : Productivity tools, success hacks, time-management – as a culture we put too much pressure on ourselves and thus on our children to be hyper productive and chase one activity after another. Often chastising ourselves and those around us of not being productive enough. Children do hard work everyday learning new things, managing new emotions, just growing up. They need time for relaxation. They need time to get bored. They need time to wonder. They need to wander – and surely they are neither lost or lazy while doing so.
5. Depression : lack of motivation, perpetual fatigue, no interest in things, people and pleasures that were source of joy at one time could be signs of depression. Children who are depressed already feel bad for themselves and are stuck in that thought. You need to recognise that as it needs treatment and care.

Laziness is a symptom. Look for the cause. Whether in yourself as a parent or in your child.

Here are top 3 of my favourite ways of motivating a student/child as a teacher/parent that have worked for me professionally and personally over the years:

1.Role model : This always tops my chart of parenting or for that matter teaching. If you want your student/child to do something, you do it more. If you want the chores to be done by your child, do it yourself on time and standards you would like them to do. If you want them to read and write everyday, you would need to do that as well. If you want them to exercise or be fit and eat healthy, then you have to model that. However, that is not always possible.

So what to do?

If you are struggling with something, share that. If you are procrastinating some work, discuss that with your child/ren or with your friend/spouse with your child listening in. You could even think aloud in their company.

a)Why you need it to be done? the importance of it.

b) When you need it to be done? the consequence of not doing it by then.

c) How can it be done? on your own, with some expert, with some help, with advice.

This will help you to sort through your “laziness” and at the same time give your child the skill to sort through theirs.

2. Set expectations: “Show and Tell” when you are asking your 4 year old to put away his/her toys or your teenager to help you with laundry, cooking, grocery shopping or maintaining household budget records. Don’t assume that your child knows where toys/clothes/stationery goes especially if they do not have designated boxes or spaces. Don’t nag your teenager to help you with the chores but explain at a time set aside, calmly of why you need their contribution and how it would help the family. If they participate in making budget – they will be sensible in the use of their money, if they participate in shopping for food, they would be more willing to eat what they chose, which in turn would be guided by what they saw was provided for in the budget for food.

3. Go outside: “Let’s Go Fly a Kite” is a song from the 1964 Disney musical film “Mary Poppins”. When George Banks, the father,  realises that his family is more important than his job, he mends his son’s kite and takes his family on a kite-flying outing. This exemplifies what over the years numerous studies with experimental psychology has shown. Go outside with the family. It lightens our moods, connects ourselves within us and with each other. Take a walk, plant a garden in your balcony or backyard, watch the stars from your terrace if you are not going for a trek or a hike in the wild every so often.

Hope this has helped you in thinking through the all inclusive verb of “lazy”. Now go ahead subscribe to my blog so that once in a few weeks – sometimes months (when I am lazy i.e.) you will get an update on my new posts.